One issues we share in common is bullying. Regardless of country, bullying is an issues every parent thinks about. Another interesting fact is the mother's reaction to the bullying being, "hit him back." This is a gut reaction we all have probably had at one point or another. However, there are better ways to find a solution.
What are we teaching our children when we tell them to "hit back." Are we teaching them to stand up for themselves? Are we teaching them to fight for their self preservation? Or are we teaching teaching them that violence is the best solution for violence? If we were to think of our roles as parents more of a coach, we would and should see that we weren't doing a very good job at coaching our kids through a bully situation.
As a coach we need think the event through, set up a strategy, understand both sides of the story, and help the athlete practice through the difficult situation. As coaches we would have to help them understand that their choices have consequences, and a gut reaction isn't always the best reaction.
Our Martial Arts program at El Dorado Hills Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu will help your child work through potential bully situations. We will coach them to think and react. To have a strategy. To work with their parents and teachers. And if necessary to defend themselves and their friends from danger.
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Jodie Carpenter in Botany, Sydney, with her children Sophie 10, Aidan, 2, James, 6, and Ella, 12. Carpenter believes it’s important to get other kids on your side against bullies. Picture: Renee NowytargerSource: News Corp Australia
IT was one of those moments every parent dreads. My daughter didn’t want to go to the preschool that she had always adored and the reason was a boy. A big boy. “I’m scared of him,” said the petite three-year-old, her eyes brimming with tears.
My kneejerk response was the one that tempts every parent whose heart is breaking at the thought of their child being teased, hurt or intimidated. “Well, you know what?” I said. “If that boy hits you, you know what you can do? You can hit him back.”
To say that this advice was ill-considered is rather an understatement. But I was a novice and my reaction was instinctual. And teachers assure me it is far from the worst retribution ever urged by a parent. But in truth, the idea of my small preschooler shaping up to a much larger five-year-old boy was ridiculous. More to the point, it’s not the way things work.
But was there a kernel of sense in my eye-for-an-eye instinct? In my mind, kids who show they’re not to be messed with are less likely to be characterised as weak and fall victim to bullying.
This is borne out by research and now experts are turning their minds to how parents can best inure their children against bullying, preventing them succumbing to victim status and becoming the child that is picked on.
University of Queensland psychologist Karyn Healy is the program co-ordinator for the university’s Resilience PPP program — a variant of the popular Positive Parenting Program — that works with parents and children who are experiencing bullying, teaching them coping skills. It is an approach that is novel considering most anti-bullying efforts are currently centred on schools and focus on the perpetrators of aggression.
“International research is showing that school programs only make a limited impact in helping children who are bullied at school,” Ms Healy says. “But I guess what parents have been told for many years by schools is ‘stay out of it, we will deal with it’. The truth is schools have not been able to deal with these issues effectively enough.”
The findings of a UQ study into the Resilience PPP program have shown families can be more effective in protecting their child from being bullied than school-based strategies alone. The Australian Research Council-funded study, to be published in the journal Behavior Therapy, involved 111 Australian families. It is the first controlled trial of a family intervention for children bullied by peers.
The study will be noted with interest by teachers such as school principal Lila Mularczyk, president of the NSW Secondary Principals’ Council, who welcomes strong co-operation between schools and parents in combating bullying but warns that parents must be careful to give the right advice to children.
Mother of three Jodie Carpenter found a wiser way of dealing with bullying than my “hit him back” gut response after her son James, 6, was targeted at kindergarten. His lunch box was being taken by Year 4 boys and thrown around. The behaviour could perhaps be dismissed as kids being kids, but bullying can be like that: it is apparently minor at first but a pattern can quickly develop whereby the child becomes intimidated and anxious, which attracts further bullying, and before you know it they are a chronic victim.
Carpenter took the step of recruiting the help of some boys in the same year as the perpetrators to step in and protect James.
The strategy worked. “We just asked them to look out for him and make sure he was OK,” she says. “We’ve got a nice little school community. We know a lot of the kids. So they kind of stepped in and just kept an eye on him.”
Carpenter agrees parents can help their children stand up to bullies. “I think you need to help them to understand that the people that are doing these things to them are the ones with the issue. I think the more they understand that the more they’ll be able to bounce back from it.”
Friendships are hugely important in protecting a child from bullying, and parents should take an active role in arranging play dates, says Healy.
Warm parenting, and being available just to listen is key. And relying on teachers to sort out schoolyard disputes is not always best. Kids do not necessarily tell teachers when they are being victimised anyway, for fear of being labelled a “dobber”. “I guess the word ‘dobbing’ implies that the child is trying to get the other child into trouble. And if that is the way it is seen then the child may want to get back at them,” Healy says. “I think it’s important for kids to think about why they need the teacher’s help, and which situations they can deal with by themselves, or with the support of a parent.
“And when they do handle it themselves, kids will feel much more confident about being able to handle it next time.”
So don’t go telling little Johnny to go and whack that big nasty bully a big one in the playground. “The trouble with hitting back is that there’s not a school in Australia where they won’t get into trouble for doing that,” Healy says. “That child will be blamed or punished. And often the child doing the provoking is actually trying to get a physical response. It’s not a good strategy at all for the child to hit back.”
7 tips to stop bullying
1. Be available and responsive to your child. Talk often, do fun things together and look for warning signs that something’s wrong.
2. Support your child’s friendships — get to know other parents, arrange play-dates and take part in school events.
3. Help your child to be independent — teach them to do things for themselves.
4. Teach your child to play well, and reward good playing skills.
5. Coach your child to deal with difficult situations, and practise a response.
6. Help your child resolve conflicts — avoid taking sides, and encourage kids to listen to each other and work out solutions that are fair to everyone.
7. Work with the teacher and school — let staff know what happened and how it affected your child, thank them for their efforts and do not blame them for the problem.
Source: Positive Parenting Project, University of Queensland
Originally published as Kids helping kids
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